Arachnoquake (2012) ⭐

Arachno-don’t waste your time on this film-phobia

Dir. Griff Furst

Runtime: 86 minutes

Rating: 12

Starring: Megan Adelle, Gralen Bryant Banks, Paul Boocock, Edward Furlong

I first watched this film in 2014 – I was lured in by checking out what Edward “John Connor” Furlong was up to “these days” (in case you are wondering, the answer was, not much). Then I tortured myself again with it in 2017. I can confirm that unlike a fine wine, it hasn’t got better with age having watched it again in 2021. Why did I do that?

Summary (in 180 characters of less)

An earthquake opens up a chasm in New Orleans which unleashes dangerous mutated spiders.

The scariest thing about this film is the fact that you might watch this steaming pile of cack – I’m sorry, but even that feels polite. This is one of those super low budget, no script, over the top CGI kind of film that the SyFy channel is famous for. After watching a lot of those kind of films I can confidently say this is one of the dumbest and worst I have seen. The biggest star in this is Edward Furlong, yes John Connor from “Terminator 2: Judgement Day” (1991). It’s nice to see he’s done a lot with his life and the success of his terminator appearance…oh wait, no he hasn’t! He hasn’t had any acting lessons to improve himself (if he has then they weren’t worth it!) and by the look of him he’s just sat around eating chips/crisps and drinking beer. Although saying that, he still looks fairly young so maybe he uses good moisturizer. This fact which actually causes a problem in the film as he son looks just a few years younger than he does making the family dynamic is unbelievable. FTR,Sarah Connor would be royally peed off with his terrible bus driving and inability to escape a pursuing foe! All of the acting is dumb and dire. The most emotive I got was hoping that somebody might just kill those annoying women on the boat and bus with their terrible over acting, emotionless crying and whining.

The best thing about this film, it’s not on too long! OK, maybe the tongue in cheek sound effect used when one of the spider gets hit for a home-run by a baseball bat was the amusing… but the rest is not.

The pink CGI spiders are just awful, I expected they would look bad but they are a level of awful which becomes laughable. They can swim, they fly, they breathe fire, they have sonar, they have sensitive hearing, they are missile proof, bulletproof, they can do all the usual spider things too like making webs…. but they have no brains….but still they manage to show more intelligence than the idiots being portrayed on screen. The scale of the CGI spiders seems to vary too, in one shot they may appear small and then the very next shot shows that they are massive – casing point, check the queen spider out at the end.

You will have seen better films in your life, I promise. You will have seen better films with a lot less money spent on them too. You’ll probably be able to come up with something better and more plausible using smartphone camera, and your immediate surroundings! I have awarded this 1 out of 10 but that’s actually pushing it, I’d have given this 0.25 out of 10 if it had of been possible. I am no stranger to low budget rubbish and this is worse than a lot of the films I’ve subjected myself too. Boooo you sir, booo to you!

⭐ (1/10)

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